It seems like I've reached the stage of my trip where I have left the day to day worries of living in the working world far behind. Because all of a sudden I find myself contemplating more, well, philosophical questions, like "Who am I anyhow and what does it mean to be me?". Thoughts that were mainly triggered by a book I've just finished: "The Dice Man" (deutsch: "Der Wuerfler")

The Dice Man is an American psychoanalyst who lives in the 70s in New York and all of a sudden let's a pair of dice decide almost every aspect of his life. He is of course crazy. And I mean that in the pathological sense of way. But still - some of the things in the book do get you to think about what it means to be you and why you are you and why you are not any different.

Let me just give you some examples why I think the books main-character is turning is slowly (and to some degree deliberately) turning into a raving lunatic.
He slowly lets the dice decide more nad more of his actions and even his feelings. He does for example let the dice decide whether he feels happy, sad angry, depressed or any other combination of six feelings that day. And he always does what the dice say. He even lets them decide how he will treat his kids taht day (loving father, tyrrant etc..) and in the end even let's them decide what his answers to questions will be. He does all this to deconstruct his own identity so that turning crazy (as seen from the perspective of a member of the so called "sane" society) is only a logical result of his actions.

He phrases it slightly more drastic by saying that what he aims for is the annihalition of his dominant identity. Crazy, sure. But why is he doing this? He is starting from the indisputable assumption that we all a large number of different personalities within ourselves that our dominant identity keeps in check. Our dominant Ego prevents us from doing all the little things that sometimes cross our minds. It stops us from hitting someone annoying square in the face when we feel like it and prevents us from declaring our love to a girl we feel unsuitable for.

Of course there are scores of good reasons for us being the way it is. But he says: What if you would get rid of your dominant identity and give each of your desires, fears, wishes and worries and equal chances to become real? What if you said that on a 1 ad 2 you'll hit the guy, on a 3 and 4 you'll tell him that he is a moron and on a 5 and 6 you'll just continue to keep your mouth shut? And of course you have to do what the dice tell you. Maybe hitting him or telling him what you think about him is actually the right thing to do even though your dominant identity tells you that neither is socially acceptable or desireable. But does that neccessarily mean that these choices are wrong? I don't think so.

After all, the trick is, his trick is that while he let's the dice decide, he is the one who is defining the alternatives. The dice choose, but he shapes the possibilities. Of course, if you go to the extremes the Dice Man goes to, you turn into a sociopath. A person who has no morale whatsoever since he delegates all responsibilty to the dice ("I killed him because the dice told me to.", "I raped her because the dice told me to") but I still thing that it's worth thinking about. 'Cause it raises the question why and how your dominant identity has become your dominant identity and - more significantly - whether it is actually desirable.